I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
