My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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