My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
