I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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