So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
