I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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