I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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