You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
