So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
