Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
