I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
