Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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