i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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