We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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