my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
