she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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