i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
