Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
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