Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
