I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
