When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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