i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
The beer is more important than you right now.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
