My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
