Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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