she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
