I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
