If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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