Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
