I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
