my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
