census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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