even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
