i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
