Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
