My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
how does that bad decision feel?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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