I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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