proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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