My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
