You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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