He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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