I'm gonna have a badass scar
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
