Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
it's like iHOP with fire
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
