I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
