just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
