He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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