I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
