I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
