ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
The adults are the big ones right?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
