I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
