Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
