if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
