get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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